The Scene:
We’ve all met this person.
The Director of Sales stomped into the meeting room, slammed a full cup of coffee down on the table and, without looking at anyone in particular, plunged in.
“I don’t know what we’re supposed to be doing here. You said you wanted to talk about how we’re working together. Well, I can tell you how. We’re not working together! My team sends you a steady stream of customer orders for you to fill. At least I thought that is what you do. Last I heard, it’s how we make money. Instead, you’re shipping partial orders to weird addresses without saying when the rest is coming. I now get to spend my days fielding complaints from pissed off customers about their lost in space orders. I should just outsource production to our competitors across town!”
The Production team looked back and forth at each other, including their boss. What was this guy talking about? Their days were consumed by wrestling with incomplete orders coming from Sales asking for products that were either unavailable due to industry shortages or required major heroics to obtain. Did Sales ever consider checking with them before promising unobtainable items?
Well, at least that’s what they were thinking while the director was ranting at them. When he finished, the room fell silent, except for the creaking of twisting chairs.
The Bully:
Welcome to the world of the bully, the opinionated hothead who thrives on controlling all the power in the room. Their behavior grabs attention and shuts down everyone else. Questions don’t get asked. Accusations go unchallenged. The bully succeeds in avoiding accountability. What doesn’t succeed is the business.
How to recognize a bully: To advance their agenda, a bully intimidates and belittles others. The goal is to make them do what the bully wants and, if something goes wrong, shoulder the responsibility. They accomplish this by using a variety of behaviors. Below are five:
- Overcontrol: “He’s a total micromanager. He treats us like kids instead of adults.”
- Threats: “She told them if they didn’t like the way she ran things, she’d be happy to write them a reference.”
- Public humiliation: “He yells at people and belittles them out where everyone can hear.”
- Condescension: “Her tone conveys ‘I’m bright and right – you’re slow and stupid.’”
- Overreaction: “He makes snap judgments – making assumptions and leaping to conclusions without investigating.”
Depressed, yet? There’s more. As obvious as these insulting behaviors are to others, bullies often don’t realize how they come across. If called on their bad behavior, you hear, “What? I was yelling?” or, “I said that?” in a tone of genuine surprise.
What Lies Beneath:
Bullies win when people assume that their tough demeanor comes from a place of strength. They rationalize that to be so forceful, the bullies must know more than they do. Therein lies the problem. Bullying comes from a place of weakness. In fact, bullies are often conflict avoidant, with a deep well of insecurity lying beneath.
They dread getting caught for not knowing something and therefore not being in charge. It causes a sense of vulnerability that they don’t want to own. The underlying personal reasons vary. Their roots range from family of origin issues to prior negative work experiences. Instead of looking inward, however, they turn their anxiety outward. Staying in control is key. Being out of control is scary.
The Sales Director took over the meeting to end run any possible criticism of his team for their role in the production problem. Why he chose that route was unclear. What was clear is that rather than asking questions to solve the Sales and Production teams problem, he swung into an attack mode, a classic bullying defense.
Why bother dealing with a bully?
A bully’s abrasive behavior wreaks organizational havoc. People don’t want to challenge them because of their own conflict avoidance or reluctance to jump in front of a speeding train. Instead, they find excuses to avoid them. As a result, information doesn’t flow. Execution suffers. Those who have the misfortune of having to work for bullies find their ideas ridiculed, achievements unrecognized, and careers stunted by the manager’s self-absorption.
On a broader scale, the company suffers a reputational impact. When word gets out it has a toxic work culture that tolerates bullying behavior, both recruitment and retention suffer.
To prevent the negativity of bullying behavior, someone has to intervene. Whether that someone is an executive, human resources professional, or outside expert, their job is to confront the bully on their abrasive behavior, its consequences, and the need to change.
Bully Handling 101: Avoiding bumps in the road
The hardest part of bully intervention is getting through to them. Bullying comes with layers of defenses and years of hiding behind them. Overcoming their defensive behavior involves awkward conversations in which the bully has to hear unwelcome feedback and answer uncomfortable questions.
Traveling down the road of change is difficult. To succeed, the intervenor must take care to steer around the bumps that might appear along the way.
Seven bumps in the road:
- You can’t out bully a bully: Bullies thrive on the heat of the moment. Their anger creates emotional distance that insulates them from feeling the reactions of others. As long as they are consumed by rage, they can’t hear you. They are adrenaline junkies fed by anxiety. If you yell back at them, you will only succeed in accelerating their anger and closing their ears. Let them go until their anxiety peaks and runs down. Anyone who has spent time with a frustrated two-year-old knows this pattern. That doesn’t change in adulthood. It’s normal, and we’ve all been there.
- Keep your reactions neutral and open. Being upset is painful. Letting them know that you hear their discomfort is important. A calm, nonjudgmental demeanor that makes them the main event helps to create a safe space in which to be honest. Allow for silence in the conversation. Bullies dislike quiet and will fill in the void, often with valuable new information.
- Focus on facts. When a person is in a reactive state, their attention and energy fly all over the place. To structure the conversation, focus on a specific situation. Choose an incident that you witnessed or one that has been described to you by others. Ask questions, lots of them, about the situation. The harder the questions, the more the bully will bite back. Stick to fact finding.
- Don’t personalize pushback: Expect your questions to cause defensiveness. You are asking about events they have wanted to ignore, caused them embarrassment, or injured their self-esteem. They might respond by attacking you, saying something like, “What a stupid question! You don’t get it!” Rather than rising to the bait, keep a level voice. Listen hard and ask more questions. “Okay, then tell me more so I can understand,” is one way of responding. It conveys your desire to learn about their situation to solve the problem.
- Don’t pull punches: Your job is to help the bully see reality. Describe behaviors you or others have observed. For example, “Were you aware that you were yelling at your senior manager and pounding the table?” “No,” might be the response. “I just needed her attention.” To this you can share further feedback. “Well you got her attention and that of everyone else in the room. Later, they told me that all they heard was a loud, obnoxious voice and had no idea what you were saying.”
- Don’t avoid naming the consequences. Understanding the impact of one’s behavior on others does not come easily to bullies. Their self-absorption prevails over empathy. Their main event is how they are feeling, not the feelings of others. If taking in the needs of others in order to get things done fails to motivate the bully to change, reminding them of career consequences might.
Straight talk is best. “Nobody wants to work for you. If you do not change your abrasive behaviors, it could cost you your [fill in the blank: bonus, promotion, job, reputation].” They tend to be highly invested in their professional success and don’t want that harmed.
- Remember that empathy is empowering. Communication is not what is sent but what is received. No matter how well you think you said something, if it lands with your audience differently from what you intended, you need to work harder to learn and connect to their needs. Understanding their experience makes a difference and increases the probability of a good outcome.
The Production team was caught by surprise by the heavy criticism of their work. It came as new news. If the Sales Director had taken in their perplexity, he could have course corrected with questions rather than accusations and landed in a better place.
Bully handling is hard work. It takes courage, focus, and perseverance. It also pays dividends that are well worth the pain. In addition to improving the bully’s behavior, it also will increase the happiness and productivity of the people who work with them.